Summertime Sadness

As much as I absolutely love fashion, and reading fashion blogs, I could never run one myself for a few reasons. You have to take a phenomenal amount of selfies (or get your long-suffering other half to do it) and I’m just not into that. I also feel like you have to take yourself reasonably seriously, and I can’t really do that either. However, I will still make fashion-y posts from time to time, with my own twist of course. I’ve seen numerous posts on summer trends lately, and as holiday time is fast approaching I’ve been doing a wee bit (ok, a lot) of shopping. Predictably though, that thing has happened. You know, when you’ve got money and a reason to shop, so everything you see/try on looks a bit shit? For your pleasure, here are my least favourite summer trends. I hope that, like a burst lilo, they get left under the bed in your villa, never to see the inside of a suitcase again.

Disclaimer: I’m sure many people I like wear a few of these things. It’s nothing personal, guys. I’m sure you think I look a riot a lot of the time as well. You’re wrong though 😉

One accessory that I’ve prayed for what feels like years to bugger right off is floral crowns. I absolutely detest floral crowns with a burning passion. They’re usually teamed with wellies and checked shirts, and worn as part of the unofficial Festival Uniform. Probably accessorised with a pint of cider and someone else’s vomit on your back. Dressing like you’re at Coachella won’t make T in the Park any less rainy or stabby, you hippy Jesus looking idiot. If you haven’t seen this Jimmy Kimmel ‘Lie Witness News’ from Coachella last year, it may explain my feelings.

Blame these dafties, and Pixie Lott. And Rita Ora, always blame her. I have seen a few brides wear them and look cute though so I’ll make a potential exception for that. Also, why are they called crowns? What are you the queen of, exactly? Shit headgear?

Twice now I have made the very foolish mistake of trying on a cut-out swimsuit. Once was a few summers ago, and I burst out laughing. I tried one on again last week and probably alarmed other shoppers with the sound I made. A sort of laugh/cry hybrid. I’m a size 12, I actually do like my body, and I reckon I know what suits my figure. Yeah, it’s not these. I’d seen some curvy ladies in them so thought I’d look exactly like this:

Rob Kardashian decided not to join in.

And to be fair, when I looked in the mirror I DID see Kardashian…

This little piggy went “For the love of God no”.

It looked as if I’d squashed myself into something about 3 sizes too small, and was causing myself both physical and psychological pain just by wearing it. I’ve come to the conclusion that people in the real world don’t look good in these, and I’ve yet to see anyone on holiday prove me wrong. On the plus side, the tan lines would be absolutely ridic’ so it’s for the best. I hope I see someone looking amazing in one this year, but I hope slightly more that I see them the next day with some hilarious white bits.

On the subject of swimwear, nobody enjoys a see-through bikini. I have been (accidentally) guilty of this once in my life, I thought by not buying white I’d be ok. Nope, turns out a £5 yellow bikini becomes basically invisible in water.

Living dangerously

Tremendous. Now we are all beautiful in our own way obviously, but you’re already fairly close to naked in a bikini and most of us just don’t need to see that by the pool. I’m just wanting to drink an alcoholic slushy and listen to some tunes while turning beautifully brown, please don’t alarm my eyes. It’s a safe assumption that you should wear functional swimwear unless you have your own private swimming pool, or at a pool party hosted by this guy:

Your Primark bikini is not ooookaaaaaaay!

Although I reckon at his gaff swimwear’s optional. As are morals. Moving on…

One trend that I thought was exclusively for the under 10’s is jelly sandals. I remember having these when I was wee, including ones with a heel, and thinking I was the coolest guy about. I love these on kids, for example my wee cousin Rory giving us poolside realness in some yellow jellies with matching hat:

THIS is how you do summer fashion.

See? CUTE! But when I see them on adults I have one instant thought… how sweaty are your feet right now? Next time you see someone wearing these, note the way they walk. That sliding isn’t intentional, it’s coz their feet are swimming. Unpleasant.

Now I’ve made my feelings on the next one well clear, but it never hurts to have a reminder. Too short denim shorts aren’t a good look. If it looks like you’re wearing denim pants then please, no.

Just buying a pumpkin with my hubby, nothing to see here.

I thought this was a female only trend, but apparently big Karl is into it on guys, and who am I to disagree with him? You know you’ve got good legs when people ignore Mr Lagerfeld to admire them. Happens to me all the time.

Joey Essex has apparently made friends in high places.

So there’s my summary, but feel free to ignore me and wear what you bloody want. I’m wearing pyjama bottoms that are about 80% threadbare right now. What do I know?

“Is Gluten a Real Thing?”

I have genuine, legitimate, 100% factual, non-made up food allergies. Since being diagnosed BY ACTUAL DOCTORS, not by myself, or the internet, I’ve changed my diet and the eczema that used to control my life is now an occasional annoyance. Since October, as instructed, I haven’t eaten nuts, eggs, or gluten. I feel a billion times better (not a medical statistic, just an approximation), and it’s totally changed my life.

Just one teeny tiny problem. Apparently there is no way this is medically factual and I’m an attention seeking ‘hipster’, because as 90 people have helpfully told me “I read on the Internet that that’s not actually a thing!” What you read, and by read I mean the headline and obviously not the article, is that Coeliac disease a very real thing, but non-Coeliac gluten sensitivity probably isn’t. That’s fine, but I’m allergic. That’s not the same thing.

Even though they’re medical conditions, allergies seem to be something that people think it’s ok to make snidey comments and judgements about. Some people are genuinely curious, and that’s absolutely fine. Not all people are curious. Some people are just arseholes. So, for the sanity of people with food allergies everywhere, here are some FAQ so that you don’t have to be that guy.

“So, eh, what is gluten?”

I’m glad you asked. Gluten are tiny little molecules of sheer deliciousness that live in all the best foods. Gluten is possibly the tastiest ingredient in the world. No, gluten’s a protein that’s in wheat and other grainy things. So in basic terms no bread, pasta, beer, cakes, biscuits, cereal, pies, pizzas and pastries. It also hides in things like soy sauce and salad dressing, and some sweets. So yeah most things you’d want to eat. But it’s not in potatoes, rice, corn, or soy. Or cheese, vodka, or chocolate. So I get by.

“And what happens if you eat it?”

I can only speak for myself here, and for me, it’s mainly my skin that gets affected. I get tired and (sexy klaxon) pretty gassy and bloated, but the main thing is I get chronic eczema all over my body. I essentially turn bright red, it’s painful, itchy, hot and makes trying to do anything other than lie down and watch tv pretty difficult. Then I take antihistamines and put on steroid creams and it gradually calms down again over a few days. Not everyone with allergies has eczema, and vice versa. I have the same symptoms if I’m somewhere really dusty or with a lot of animal hair.

“Can’t you just buy gluten free everything?”

This is a hard one, sort of? You can buy gluten free versions of most things, but they’re VERY FUCKING EXPENSIVE. Most days I thank Tiny Baby Jesus for gluten free pasta, but it’s like twice the price of normal pasta. A slice of gluten free bread could be mistaken for the world’s most expensive post-it note. It’s tiny, you’d need about 8 sandwiches to be full. And, logically, when you remove gluten you need to replace it with something else. A lot of the time that’s coconut or almond flour -. so I can’t have that either. And eggs are in everything.

“I heard gluten-free versions taste like shit. I couldn’t do it.”

I get this a lot, usually at mealtimes. It’s an incredibly insensitive thing to say. I honestly think gluten-free pasta tastes the same. Some of the bread’s ok. The pizzas are better than not having pizza at all. As time goes by I’ll forget what pastries taste like and get over it. But you could do it, and you would, because it’s not really a choice. My skin was so bad I regularly said I’d try anything to make it 10% better. I tried Chinese herbal medicine which looked as if someone had gone into the woods, picked up a pile of bear shit & twigs, and papped it in a mug. It was horrendous (and expensive). But I drank it, because when you’re sick you just want to be better. If it turned out that the only things I wasn’t allergic to were water and grapes, then I’d live off water and grapes. I’m not being dramatic, but now my health is better I couldn’t imagine going back to the way things were before. And if that means no rolls and sausage, cool.

“I think people just say they’ve got allergies so that so they’ve got a ‘thing'”

Two minutes while I break both your legs, then tell you that I don’t believe in broken bones. Yeah, I can make ridiculous claims about legitimate medical conditions too! I’ve considered carrying about the results from my allergy tests to shove in the faces of the idiots who say this. It happens ALL THE TIME. Now I know that there are people who apparently have intolerances, and others who say they just feel better without it. That’s fine, but it’s not the same as an allergy. I’ve just told you I have an allergy. You believe me that I have a nut allergy, so why is this so hard to believe? Some people have cut it out as a choice, I’m not one of them. Don’t imply that I one day decided I didn’t want to eat MY OWN BIRTHDAY CAKE so that I could get a bit of attention. Pizza has always been my favourite food, now I can only eat select gluten free pizzas. They’re usually square, what’s that all about? I can’t get chicken satay from the Chinese. Why would I choose this?! I’ll give you the doubt that you’re not an idiot, you just asked a stupid question because you didn’t know, and we can move on. Ok? Good.

“So can you like NEVER eat it?”

I think this question stems from people who have part-time food things when they can be arsed. The ‘Aw yeah I can’t eat gluten either!’ gang, who I then see eating cake, coz “it’s just a wee slice”. The Jewish folk who’ve definitely posted on Facebook about eating bacon. I’ve been advised that NI could in time be totally fine, or my allergies could get worse. Initially I was told that I could potentially start reintroducing things after 6 months, we’re now at the 8 month mark and I’m too scared to try.

“You’re so lucky though, coz you’ve lost so much weight!”

You could too if you had some discipline. I am glad I’ve lost weight, obviously, I have so much more confidence. But don’t ever tell someone that getting a diagnosis is ‘lucky’. Not ok.

So yeah, I’m totally happy to answer genuine questions from people. I can now sit and watch my pals eat pizza without getting sad and feeling like I’m missing out. Most of the time, if someone is being a bit of an arse about it, I can now answer fairly calmly without wanting to punch them in the face. Just please don’t assume that because a small handful of people talk shit, that everyone does. That’s not cool.

Back From the Dead

It’s been a while since I posted here. I had some sort of identity crisis and asked myself, do I truly want to be known as that girl that’s really sarcastic, pretty funny and slightly offensive? Of course I fucking do! I may not have been posting but I’ve still been getting irate about entirely pointless issues. Lots of people have told me I should start blogging again, so it seems like the logical thing to do is start blogging again then, eh?

My main issue with starting again has been subject matter. I don’t want to just make fun of celebrities. I dress well, in my opinion anyway, but I just don’t care enough about fashion to write about it. There are way more than enough fashion blogs out there anyway, and – let’s be honest – my Forever 21 vests and Tesco jeans aren’t exactly groundbreaking. Tesco jeans though ladies, seriously. You’ll never look back (apart from to look at your own bum in the mirror).

Now I worked for many years as a DJ, so some people have suggested I write a music blog. The main problem with this is that by my own admission, I have questionable taste in music. All I really listen to is hiphop, early 00’s pop punk, and RuPaul. If you have any issues with that then you’re of course entitled to your opinion, but you’re wrong. Cannae really blog entirely about that though.

So I’ve had a pretty radical idea, and I really hope I can explain this in a way that makes sense. I’m gonna keep blogging about the trivial nonsense I was before. Because people liked it, and I enjoyed it. Any problems with that? No? GOOD.

If you’re wondering if I’m gonna be like Jay Z and say “this is my last post” then come back 6 months later the way he did with about 5 albums, then the answer is probably not. If it’ll make Beyonce marry me then the answer is a resounding YES though.

Seeya sooooon x

MTV VMAs 2013

I mentioned on Facebook that I was gonna do a post about Miley, but honestly I’m already so fed up looking at her tongue that I’m not gonna bother. I WILL gift you this gif though, because it’s amazing.

Yeah you’re welcome, that will haunt your nightmares.

So the actual point of these things is apparently to give out awards? Who cares, show me dresses. Start with one that I love love loved, because it’ll definitely all go downhill.

LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL SELENA GOMEZ IS! I could honestly just marry this girl right here right now, she looks so stunning. I’ve seen quite a lot of hate for this dress, I like the detail on it. It’s sexy but not slutty at all. She’s managed to go from cute wee Disney girl to sexy woman in a perfectly smooth and un-disturbing transition, excellent work from Atelier Versace and whoever chose that lip colour.

I’m not a massive fan ususally but I also properly adore Ellie Goulding‘s dress. Would’ve been better with hair up & I don’t love the matchy matchy shoes but I’ll forgive. Can’t be practical wearing a totally studded dress either but excellent armour if Skrillex comes up wanting a hug, jog on greasy.

I dislike it when bad dresses happen to good people, but Ciara looks like shit. I’ve often wondered what a figure skating skeleton would look like, now I know. I also have no idea what the point of the feathers was supposed to be, far too much going on. DISASTER. Good hair though.

Jordin Sparks came as a 90’s disaster. Maybe she wanted to get in the spirit for N*Sync?

Emile Sande wore something boring, nobody was surprised. If anyone could do with Doing A Miley it’s this one, liven yourself up a bit love. Also either she’s slowly turning white from the top down or she’s gone mental with the highlighter. I have nothing nice to say here, sorry.

I adore Katy Perry but from the waist up this is chronic. The leopard print on it’s would be alright, still pretty shit though. The gold shit add nothing. On closer look it’s dragon flies, what the fuck. Why? I assume the point of said gold shit was to enhance the grill. Now, that in itself is an oxymoron.

STOP WEARING GRILLS, PEOPLE. You look stupid. If you think you look like 2 Chainz then please realise he looks like a twat as well. I will say this, if you just scroll down to the waist then she looks BANGIN’. Good legs Katy, good legs.

The N*Sync performance wasn’t the only blast from the past on the night, TLC, Ashanti and effing Danity Kane were all there but it was Lil Kim who really left me wondering why the hell she was there, what was she trying to achieve and what in the name of all that is holy has happened to her face?! I can barely even look at her outfit because her face is so horrifying. Maybe MJ isn’t dead, he’s just black again and wearing a really bad wig. Maybe somebody left Nicki Minaj next to a radiator. I don’t know. The boots are amazing, but with an entirely different outfit. On a different person.

Giving absolutely none of the valuable space on here to Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga or Rita Ora who just all came as themselves and did nothing remotely interesting. YAWN. I’d rather people wore something mental & looked shit than played it safe. Overall it was a pretty shit haul to be honest. Poor show guys.

I’d like to end this post on an emotional note, by asking WHERE THE HELL WAS KE$HA? Really sad she wasn’t there, she never lets me down in wearing something totes ridic.

Nasty Piece of Twerk

DISCLAIMER: If you’re offended by bums then just leave now, thanks. Also, don’t come back because I doubt you’d like anything else I have to offer.

Can I open my eyes yet? Is this ‘craze’ over? Nope, didn’t think so.

 

 

I am so fed up hearing about twerking that I’m almost glad I can’t do it. As a Ying Yang Twins fan (not something I usually admit to in public) I’ve been aware of twerking (or twurking as they call it) for years, but I don’t generally allow myself to be influenced by what the say. For a start, they’re not even actually twins (it’s like the Chuckle Brothers and their LIES all over again), but Glasgow and Atlanta don’t really have too much in common. More recently Diplo (the babe) brought it into the limelight with his ‘Express Yourself’ video, but it felt as if I woke up one day in a world of jiggling.

 

 

Now I’m not offended by the sight of someone shaking their arse, although I suppose it does depend on the person. I’m not a prude, if anything I was intrigued by this at first just because my bum does not cooperate when I try it. DON’T GIVE ME THAT JUDGEMENTAL FACE, YOU’VE TRIED IT TOO YOU LIAR. Aye so I can’t do it, but that’s not where my hate stems from. It’s just annoying when something is quite cool but then suddenly everyone’s on the bandwagon & it just loses all appeal. YOLO – there’s a good example. You do only live once, that’s not only a fair point but a good motto for to live by. But then it was on t-shirts, and phone cases, and ill-advised tattoos. Now I bet even Drake fucking hates it.

Twerking is like YOLO for bum cheeks. YOTO.

The final nail in the coffin of anything you start to dislike is always someone really shit getting in on it. Everyone and their auntie’s had a bash at twerking now. We’ve all seen Miley Cyrus (more about that later…), Vanessa Hudgens, Demi Lovato, Beyonce, Minaj, they’ve all done it. But when LEONA LEWIS tries it, that’s when it’s Romeo Done.

 

 

GOODBYE twerking, you are totes ridic.. Go and join the macarena and the slosh in Dances I Never Ever Want to See Again. Especially not by drunk mums at a wedding.

Ridiculous Baby Names

I am quite possibly the world’s broodiest person, so coupled with my love of all things celeb  you can imagine my delight when I hear that a famous person is preggers. Even if it’s someone I’m not all that arsed about, I still love it. I look forward to a few months down the line, when there’ll be an OK! spread with lots of photos of tiny feet & white cotton clothing (usually in an overly ostentatious living room which is definitely never used). Everyone will say how wonderful the mum looks & how quickly she’s recovered from her meticulously organised C-section, carried out by the World’s Most Famous Doctor in the Word’s Most Perfect Hospital Suite. It’s all so lovely, aww. Congrats to Mr Very Famous and Mrs Extremely Famous and their new baby, who they’ve named….Candelabra? Turquoise? Watermelondraya?

WHY OH WHY can’t celebrities just call their babies normal human names? Why do they have to be fruit, or places, or inanimate objects? Sam and Joey Essex of TOWIE fame ‘joked’ the other day that if they were to ever have a baby girl they would call her Marbs. As in short for Marbella. Now, I’m fairly sure that Joey Essex can’t even tell the time. It worries me enough that he’s allowed behind the wheel of a car, never mind actually being responsible for another life. But on the grand scale of things, Marbs isn’t that stupid a name. It’s not a normal, acceptable name but it could be worse.

Don’t believe me? Here are a few of my best/worst celebrity baby names.

Wayne and Coleen Rooney recently welcomed their second son Klay into the world. Yup I said Klay, with a K. Their other son is called Kai which is getting more common but still strikes me more as an excellent name for a husky than a child. But KLAY? It doesn’t even feel nice to say it, it feels like coughing something up. Spelling it with a C (you know, like the actual word) would be marginally better but obviously they’re going for some Kardashian-esque K theme. Kongrats guys, kool.

You’d think that these stupidly named weans of celebs would have suffered through a life of bullying & would then call their own kids ordinary things like James and Dave, but no! Keen to carry on the tradition, last month Peaches Geldof gave birth to her second son Phaedra Bloom, named after a Tangerine Dream album. Could’ve went for Tangerine and had a whole fruit basket family, but no. The name Phaedra originates from Greek mythology, but was actually a girl. Awkward. Her other son is called Astala, and his middle name is Vista (the second part may be a lie). Wait a minute, I’ve JUST realised that she did actually possibly dress him up as pizza for this (almost) exact joke. If so, fair play.

I don’t believe in double standards so I should probably touch on Rulers of the Universe Beyonce and Jay Z calling their daughter Blue Ivy. It is a stupid name. I admit that. However, they can call their next baby Arseface and that will be fine with me because they can do no wrong in my eyes.

Before I say anything horrible (which I probably will) we should take a minute to say how sad it is for poor Lily Allen to have a baby with a pixellated face, no mother should have to go through that. Notoriously media-shy as she is these days, her second daughter who was born in January hasn’t even been officially named to the press, but is believed to be called Marnie. I think it’s a really cute name! Shocking, I know. However, when naming her firstborn Lily tried to hard not to fall into the celeb baby naming trap that she went too far the other way. Her daughter is called Ethel. That is not a name for a baby, that is a name for a geriatric. I can only assume she’s planning for her daughter to become a nun as I find it impossible to imagine anyone called Ethel ever being able to pull.

Thankfully there are still celebs who don’t name their babies after kinds of ducks or sauces. Rochelle Humes of (my number one girl band) The Saturdays and her hubby Marvin Humes of JLS (RIP) fame had a wee girl called Alaia-Mai last week. Not a common name but definitely acceptable for a human life. Also I imagine anyone called Alaia being an absolute babe which with those two for parents she surely will be.

Rochelle’s bandmate Una Healy and her rugby babe hubby Ben Foden also have a sensibly named mini Saturday called Aoife-Bell which sounds absolutely gorgeous in Una’s Irish accent. She is an insanely cute baby, and in a few months time there will be a third Sats baby when Frankie Sandford and fiance Wayne Bridge have their first. I have faith in them giving theirs a sensible name too but time will tell!

I couldn’t mention preggo celebs without mentioning Kim Kardashian and Kanye West – proud owners of the world’s longest pregnancy (it can’t just be me that feels like she’s been pregnant FOREVER?). The rumours that they were considering North as a name were surely a joke, but I will pee my pants if they call their child something that isn’t absolutely mental. It’ll almost definitely start with a K as well, that’s a given. Unless they just go all out and call it Illuminati Jesus.

I have no immediate baby plans at the moment, but I do still think about names. My grans are called Phyllis and Nancy so I could double them up into Phyllancy. Then again, I did always say I’d use two of my all-time fave ladies and my all-time fave handbag – Paris Nicole Chloe Paddington. My first son’s an easy one though, male style icon and best songwriter of my generation – Jarvis Soulja Baby. Totes sensible.

BYE LOVE YOU BYE xx

Met Ball 2013

For us non-famous plebs there are very few occasions where we can really wear something absolutely amazing. Maybe the odd ‘big birthday’, our wedding day, if we get invited to a gypsy wedding…but even then we have the disgusting & quite unfair setback of not having unlimited money, or – even better – designers queuing up to lend us outfits. Well, I don’t anyway. Even though I should.

Red carpets are probably a weekly event for some people, but there is one event every year that’s the creme de la creme, and that’s the Met Ball. For those of you who don’t know, it’s held in New York every year to celebrate the opening of the Metropolitan Museum’s fashion exhibit at the Costume Institute. It’s held by Vogue, so the style stakes are extremely high, and has a different theme each year. This year’s theme of Punk: Chaos to Couture has not disappointed in terms of both the absolutely stunning & the ‘Oh Dear God Why’s – here are my picks of the best and worst.

It absolutely pains me to say this, but seriously Beyonce, what the hell is that? Her hair and make-up are flawless (as always), but Givenchy has a lot to answer for here. Over the knee boots & snakeskin are not a combo I want to see on anyone. Add flames and it makes me think of an Ed Hardy clad stripper. UGH. Not impressed. The gloves also confuse me because I can’t see where her hands are, if she could see my hands they’re holding a tissue to catch my one lonesome tear at this outfit.

SJP loves an event, and for that I’m eternally grateful. This Giles Deacon ballgown is 100% mental, but I love it! The tartan boots are god awful, but the dress and head-dress are absolute winners in my eyes. I wish I had an event where I could have a metal mohawk and my pants on display, she’s living the dream.

Right, first of all who even invited Alexa Chung? She is fucking boring as sin, I have no idea why she exists yet alone how she always gets on Best Dressed lists. All she does is wear Topshop dresses and look emaciated. YAWN. Here is she wearing a boring black dress and boring black shoes, 0 points for effort. She’s angered me.

Thank God the absolute babe Cara Delevingne was there as she fully Got It. Head to toe Burberry, spikes & a bit of side-boob = absolute perfection. I would seriously marry this girl, look at those cheekbones. So much hype around her at the mo, I think this shows it’s totally justified.

Even though the majority of people find her very annoying, you can’t deny that Gwyneth Paltrow comes up with some stunning red carpet looks. Usually. This makes me think of back in the day when no room was complete without a border, and when you were redecorating you peeled it off and left a big magnolia stripe. It’s horrendous, Valentino should be ashamed, and it totally clashes with the carpet. Did you not know the carpet was going to be red? Of course you effing did, no excuses.

Nice of Gisele to pop in for a bit on her way to a tacky nightclub with a carpeted floor, thanks for that love. No mean feat for a supermodel to look cheap and nasty, well done. I want to find something nice to say – good arms. That’s all I’ve got.

Kristen Stewart‘s sour puss was for once totally justified, this Stella McCartney jumpsuit is so unflattering! She looks like she’s 0% boob and about 30% crotch, and whoever thought matching with red eye make-up was a good idea needs a poke in the eye. See how they like the conjunctivitus-chic look.

Katie Holmes wore something long and white, thrilling stuff as usual. NEXT.

I’d like to make a formal apology if anyone’s just thrown up all over their desk, it’s just Madonna continuing her mission to be the World’s Most Embarrassing Mum. This time she’s done it by dressing as a cross between Hilary Devey and Taylor Momsen. At least she thought out of the box, if she’d come topless in some skinny jeans everyone would have just thought she was Iggy Pop in a wig.

Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian arrive. He’s stereotypically bland but perfectly executed, and Kim’s doing her new speciality – finding the least flattering maternity looks. Ever stayed in an old caravan, or a b&b, where the stuffing in the couch has gone a bit lumpy? Yeah, not really a good style inspiration. If it had short sleeves, or a lower neckline it might’ve been a bit less tragic – I think this actually beats Madonna to Worst Outfit of the Night 😦

There were so many people at the ball I could literally go on for hours, have a look on Vogue.com to see the rest. Some more belters & of course a few who were totes ridic x

The Bald and the Beautiful

When I heard Jessie J was shaving her head for Comic Relief, I felt a mixture of joy and dread. I am a fan of her music – I actually saw her play a tiny venue a few years ago and her voice is incredible, but she just came across as… well, a bit of a knob. But anyway, she announced she was shaving her head which is a bloody brave thing for anyone to do (especially a woman in the entertainment industry) & of course it’s for a great cause – good on her. The dread, I won’t beat about the bush here, was because I was fairly sure she was going to look like an alien. See the traditional silver, massive dome, almond shaped eyes aliens you drew when you were wee? Imagine one of those in some hoop earrings, a catsuit & some Nike blazers – terrifying. I don’t want to see that when I put on the TV. Might’ve just been the big fringe or something, either way I’d have put money on her having an absolutely massive head & generally looking like a creep. Then she actually shaved it…and she looked AMAZING. 

How has this happened?! She actually looks better without hair! That makes no sense! Before she was definitely pretty, but not remarkably so. Now she is (in my opinion anyway) an absolute 10/10 knockout babe. I’ve spent quite an alarming amount of time thinking about this over the past week (work’s quiet, leave me alone). How amazing would it be to never have to do your hair? You’d save a fortune on products, and I don’t even have long hair but I still spend a good 15 minutes a day on washing/brushing/drying/straightening/looking for kirbies. It must be so liberating! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not actually going to do it – but I have briefly considered it. 

Jessie J’s not the only example of this baldy babe phenomenon though, I’ve had a serious girl crush on Amber Rose (Kanye West’s ex/Wiz Khalifa’s Baby Momma) for ages now. Don’t think I’ve ever seen her with hair for comparison, but she is 100% a baldy beauty. She even managed to be bald, pregnant and sexy at the same time. I can only assume she’s from a different planet because that shit ain’t right. 

Natalie Portman was another one, not once have I seen a picture of her looking less than flawless but if I’d had to guess I would have thought she’d look a bit like a massive baby. Wrong again – babe. If I was an actress and was asked to shave my hair off for a role, I’d need to think looooooong and hard about it. I think most girls would need a serious paycheck for that, or at least a sex scene with Ryan Gosling. Granted Portman can probably afford diamond infused wigs made from the hair of Amazonian virgins, but still – that’s a big commitment. I was a bit sad when she grew her hair again, which is not a sentence I thought I would ever say. Charlize Theron went super short for a role as well, brave ladies who took a risk and it paid off. 

The one massive problem with the whole going bald idea is that you can’t really know what you’d look like until you do it, and then it’s too late to back out. Only once the hair’s off will you know for sure if you’ve got a bizarrely shaped head, or a weird birthmark or something. Prime example of this is the inimitable Ms Britney Spears. Granted I don’t think she was at a high point in her life at the time, but that was a bad move. Chasing the paparazzi with an umbrella like a baldy maniac was an excellent move, obviously. Maybe if we’d seen her dressed up, or even just without a Slurpie in one hand and a baby in the other, she would actually have pulled it off. 

I really can’t risk going into work looking like that^, so I’ll just keep my hair as is until I can afford Nicki Minaj’s wig-maker. There’s a thought, did Minaj try the bald look, then regret it? Is that why she wears mental wigs? I wonder what Minaj would look like without a wig on? I’m guessing totes ridic, but I’d love to see it either way.

LOVE YOU BYE x

Things That Have Annoyed Me Lately

It may have been a while since I’ve made a proper post, but that doesn’t mean I’ve not been getting quietly raging about a variety of shite things taking up too much media time/oxygen in the world. If I was to post about them all I’d probably explode, so here are a few examples. Normal 1 rant = 1 post “blogging” shall resume soon, but I need to get these off my chest first.

First to feel my wrath is Rita Ora. Now, I think I’m somewhat in the minority with this one, but I’m not sure why. Yes, she’s beautiful, she has quite a nice voice. That’s it. It started off well, Hot Right Now is an absolute belter of a song but DJ Fresh deserves all credit for that, none for you Rita. Her songs are mediocre at best, and her dress sense is the definition of totes ridic. As for the rumour that Jay Z cheated on Beyonce (Queen of everything, ever) with her? DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH, INTERNET. But she’s everywhere, all the time, telling me she wants to party and bullshit. I don’t even know what that means, but I know I hate it. She might as well be telling me she wants to yolo and yolo, she is THAT annoying. My 5 year old cousin has my back on this one, “She’s just the same as Rihanna”. You are right Andrew, those infuriating babes. 

Are you a Dad on a work night out? No, get that off your forehead.

I actually feel a wee bit sick thinking about how much I hate excessive hashtagging, but I will power through with a bucket by my side in case it gets too much. There is a time and a place. On Twitter a certain amount of hashtagging is ok. On Instagram, aye. On Facebook? No. Stop it right now. But the absolute worst is if (and I really hope nobody reading this is guilty of this) you actually say the word hashtag in real 3D life, please never speak again. One fateful day I was on the train and heard what was allegedly a human being say “Was out last night, hashtag hungover!”. There are only so many times I can type the word NO. I’m not even going to elaborate. It is also regularly combined with some of my least favourite  words to form disgusting Siamese twins such as #blogger and #lad. When will this trend be over? #soonplease #sick #worstthingever. About 5 seconds ago I discovered that someone named their baby Hashtag. Stop the planet, I want to get off.

I’m sorry, your child ‘weys’ how much? Why is everyone allowed to breed?

Hashtag Jameson’s mum, I’d be willing to bet, is partial to my next annoyance – shorts that are actually just big pants. I was a teenager with a lovely bum once, but I managed to get through that without feeling the need to get my arse out in public. I had INTEGRITY, DIGNITY and SHORTS OF A REASONABLE SIZE. Why companies have started making denim pants is beyond me, but at some point someone thought up Crocs, so you really can’t trust anyone. Wearing them with tights, on a night out, yeah I can possibly make a few exceptions. During the day, with your naked cheeks hanging out – not ok. No doubt some folk are thinking this is because I don’t have a nice enough bum – gooby pls. I just think most bums look better in clothes. Except Beyonce’s, obviously.

This is NOT ok.

I just had a nightmare that Rita Ora just said “Check out my outfit, hashtag totes ridic short shorts” and now I have to go and cry.

LOVE YOU BYE x

An Apology

It’s been almost a year since I’ve posted here, that is an outrage. If you thought it was because I’ve become at peace with the world & don’t have anything to bitch about, then maybe you should start your own blog as you sound hilarious.

My main excuse is that my ‘beautiful’ hand-me-down laptop has entirely given up the ghost & now won’t connect to the Internet. For those of you who were brave/lucky enough to be in my old car, it also makes a similar noise. Yeah, the car that got me the nickname Amy Tank Commander, that one. Not ideal.

RIP, good sir.

However, I can’t really let this hold me back as everyone else in my house lives in the 21st century so there are no shortage of computers to use. I could probably use my phone but my nails are usually too ridic to type anything more than a text with.

ANYWAY, this is filler. A proper post is coming soon. I still have a lot of rage.

This delay has been totes ridic, sorry lads.